Episode 9: Vaginismus, Perfection, and Control
Hey, it’s Missi. The following episode is about perfectionism and control, and perhaps ironically, I realized after recording that I missed a few things I wanted to cover. I didn’t want to re-record because, well, as we learn in this episode, I’m a messy human and I think it’s important to just be a messy human. But I did want to talk about a few additional things:
In this episode, I talk about working through my own experience with perfectionism and a need for control in various aspects of my life. I think this is important because it demonstrates how things that impact our pelvic floor can actually be patterns that reverberate throughout our whole lives, not just intimate situations. What I think I missed is describing how that would show up in romantic relationships, I think because while I’m still a work in progress, I feel like a very different person in that department and kind of forgot how I used to be!
A former version of me would be very concerned about what I think a romantic interaction “should” look like, how I “should” act, or what my body “should” do in any situation. Should was a big deal. I would have a desire to control these things. But control takes us out of the present moment. It puts our thoughts and our energy somewhere else— the past, future, or a non-reality— rather than a place where true intimacy can develop, which is the present. This also prevents us from being vulnerable, again, a necessary element for intimacy. These are all things that both deepen emotional connection and open us up to experiencing pleasure. Have you ever been at like, a corporate team building event where fun is being forced and therefore not had? This is what perfectionism was doing to my romantic life.
Alright, with that in mind, let’s move on to the episode.
Hello and welcome to VagQuest: The Podcast! VagQuest was created to bring support, personal insights, and levity to those on a journey with vaginismus and related pelvic floor dysfunction.
My name is Missi and this podcast partners with a program I created to support those of you struggling with moving through vaginismus through a purely physical approach of exercise and dilating. Those are the things that got me started and moved me across the finish line, but in today’s episode, we’ll be diving deeper into behavior change mechanisms and how we can use them to navigate our vaginismus from all angles— in this case, through tackling correlating factors like perfectionism and a need for control.
To do this, we’ll be expanding on what we learned in the previous episode, where we learned the magic of behavior change models, so if you haven’t done so already, I recommend listening to that first since it sets the foundation for what we’ll talk about today.
In the last episode we looked at using the Integrated Behavior Model to dig into why we might not be keeping up with dilating. I think behaviors like dilating or exercise are a great place to start the exploration of behavior and behavioral intention because they feel very tangible and obvious. It’s easy to look back at our week and know whether we dilated or exercised, and to deconstruct whether those were behaviors we have seen examples of in our lives or promoted to us through our families and communities. They are also behaviors we likely want to start doing, so there is this sense of forward momentum with them.
But there are other behaviors we engage in that have been found to be correlated with vaginismus that are considerably less obvious and that we likely need to stop in order to move forward. These might be things like perfectionism, a need for control, or having shame and guilt over anything sex related. You might not see these as behaviors, but I do, and I personally like thinking of these things as behaviors for two reasons:
1. It reminds me that these are qualities that I embody in some way that result in physical consequences out in the world vs. just being in my head, and
2. I see behaviors as things I know I can change, and therefore, I can change my relationship to these things as well. It gives me a sense of agency.
Perfectionism and control may have been modeled for us throughout our upbringing, or maybe we began to engage in these more as a response to our environments. And perfectionism and control can show up in a lot of ways— I might be holding myself back from dilating, exercise, or an important appointment with a healthcare provider, or a conversation with a partner, perhaps because I’m not confident that I know exactly how to navigate the situation or what the outcome will be, and that freaks me out. Perfectionism or control might also get really sneaky on me and result in me clenching my body— my jaw, my pelvic floor, my abdomen— potentially chronically tensing my muscles or putting pressure on my pelvic floor. These are also things I need to let go of in an intimate encounter because controlling a situation is the opposite of being present with ourselves or a partner or being flexible and responsive to the needs of a situation.
So let’s take perfectionism or a need for control through the same line of questioning we took dilating in the last episode. The difference here is we’re going to look at how we can stop performing this behavior vs. how we can engage in it. Again, if you have another behavior or thought pattern that is top of mind, you can think about that instead as we move through the prompts. Also, feel free to pull out a journal and do this along with me!
* How favorable do I find perfectionism? This is interesting because some of us may exist in a culture that promotes and glamorizes this behavior. If we engage in it, it is likely because it has served us well throughout the years. Maybe we were really successful academically because of our perfectionism. I used to be a dancer, and I didn’t have the highest extension or the most impressive jumps and leaps, but my technique was strong and took me a lot farther than I would have gone without that level of precision and attention to detail in my movements. I’m a little woo, so I’m also going to say I’m a Virgo Moon, and creating order helps me emotionally regulate— for example, I was feeling anxious last weekend and something I do when I feel anxious is clean or organize. By the end of the day, I felt better. So creating a sense of order and control is something that has and still does serve me on many levels.
* What is my emotional response to the idea of perfectionism or control? Again, I think an interesting way to look at this question when we want to stop doing something is what is my emotional response when I think of NOT engaging in this behavior? I get a visual of a rug is being pulled out from under me and I’m quickly dropping to the ground to grip the rug and hold on to it and keep it in its place. There is a sense of feeling powerless and afraid— both of which imply a threat of some kind. I think the threat is not knowing what is going to happen and feeling like I don’t know how to navigate ambiguity, which is funny because I’ve learned over time that I’m actually pretty good at that.
* What do I think perfectionism will result in? A part of me thinks it is necessary for survival and success— I have a lot of examples, as I’m sure you do, of how this has been an important tool in my toolbox. I saw that academically, I saw that when I was rewarded in dance. So if I stop this behavior, I fear I will experience the opposite of that success— failure. And failure does not feel good. It’s embarrassing. What I have to remember is that if I’m in a space of perfection and control, I’m not able to see or adapt when a different opportunity comes my way. It physically feels like clenching, tightening, and gripping. This image is coming to mind of wrapping my whole body tightly around a big rock. I have my eyes closed, and even though I’m on the ground, I’m holding on to it for dear life. If I opened my eyes, I’d see all these other opportunities swirling around me, but in order to grab them, I’d have to let go of my ball, stand up, and jump and flail around, and probably look like an idiot.
* What do I think other people expect of me regarding perfectionism? Because I felt I received so much praise as a result of engaging in this behavior, on some level I think other people expect this of me. But when I dig a little deeper and ask myself if that is really true a la Byron Katie, I realize that no one in my present life really expects me to be perfect, they expect me to be human, and anyone that does expect perfection isn’t really in my corner. The people in my corner are the people who are going to cheer me on as I’m jumping and flailing around. In the words of Brene Brown, the people in the arena with me.
* How motivated am I to comply with perfection as a social norm? A former version of me really wanted to align toward this ideal. But it also made me feel miserable, like I was doing life wrong all the time, and that gets tiring. So at this point, I’m far less inclined than I used to be to comply with this ideal. As we’ll explore in the next prompt, I’ve shifted my idea of social norms.
* What do I see other people doing re: perfectionism? As I said earlier, I think for a while, and maybe it still is in some circles, perfectionism has almost been glamorized in a way. At some point I started exposing myself to examples of people overcoming this habit or who found pleasure, success and achievement despite or perhaps because they were just being a messy human, going with the flow of life, and I now consider that more of a norm. And that isn’t to say I don’t put effort into things, I’m just much more comfortable with the process of creation and letting go of outcomes. I also know that in order to be more connected and enjoy my time with anyone— from friends to my partner, I need to relax, be present, and be responsive…
* Again, my ability to perform the behavior is reversed here— am I able to stop being a perfectionist? Yeah, but it took and still takes practice. I constantly remind myself of the importance of messy first drafts. I’ve worked in software startups for a while, and through that experience I learned about the concepts of fail fast and MVPs. If you aren’t familiar, MVP doesn’t stand for most valuable player, but instead, minimum viable product, that is, what is the most basic version of a product I can put out to gauge a result and iterate from there. I love this because I think so many perfectionists feel like they have to be or build this perfect thing right away, but that omits the fact that things take time to build and become. People and products don’t just pop out of their proverbial womb fully formed. That would be weird. And probably painful. Better results come from taking things one little step at a time, evaluating and iterating along the way. That’s even how I’m approaching this podcast. It’s been swirling in my brain for years. I held back for a long time because I didn’t have the right technology, or I didn’t want to pay to rent studio space or hire a producer. But eventually, I said fuck it. I record this sitting in my closet on my phone, do a quick and dirty garage band edit and I upload. It’s funny because this episode in particular is one I feel the most insecure about because I know I don’t have clean talking points on how I want to cover this subject. But I also know I won’t ever get to the point of having clean talking points unless I start playing with ways of explaining and seeing what happens. So here I am, being a mess out in the world. Okay, I digress.
* Do I believe I can stop being a perfectionist? Do I believe that things won’t totally fall apart if I don’t control every detail? Today, yes. I’ve had to provide myself with examples of situations in my own life where I had no or limited control over something and things still worked out. When I started to do that, I realized that most of the really good things that came into my life seemed to be the result of happenstance or luck. Again, it isn’t to say I haven’t put effort into things, or that I’m sitting on my bum twiddling my thumbs all day. The energy of doing is just a little more “fuck around and find out” or “let go and let God” than “I’m going to control every minute detail of this situation in order to achieve this highly specific outcome” and then feel devastated if or when that outcome doesn’t happen.
* Finally, and somewhat ironically, do I perceive that I can control my ability to let go of control? Yeah. I can catch myself when I’m trying too hard to make something happen, take a few deep breaths, and coach myself out of perfectionistic behavior by again, reminding myself of all the good that has come to my life without me having to lift a finger outside of just being myself. It takes consistent effort to rewire my thoughts so I can act differently, but it’s worth it.
If you want to take this exercise a step further, notice where your body might be tense or clenching as you move through these prompts. You can even ask your body what it’s holding on to or why it’s holding tight, and see if it gives you an answer.
If you journaled along with me and feel like a lot came up for you emotionally, do something to loosen up that energy or ground yourself—whatever you need. Go for a walk, make a meal, shake your body, do a little dance. Like I mentioned a few episodes back— pull an Evelyn a la Everything Everywhere All At Once and do something weird.
Alright, if you are loving this work and you just cannot wait for more, you can visit yogaforvaginismus.com, where you can sign up for the free Vaginismus Starter Kit, or the monthly Y4V membership which includes Yoga for Vaginismus, a library of asana, movement, and breathwork practices designed to support people with vaginismus; Divine Dilating, a series of what I call Power Practices, which are guided meditations to use while dilating, and lastly, VagQuest, the course, which is where the bulk of this type of work resides!
Until next time, take deep breaths into your lower rib cage and lower back, and wiggle out anything you’re holding onto from your day, and I’ll see you on the other side of vaginismus. Peace.
