Episode 13: You Have Time
Hello and welcome to VagQuest: The Podcast! VagQuest was created to bring support, personal insights, and levity to those on a journey with vaginismus and related pelvic floor dysfunction.
My name is Missi and this podcast partners with a program I created to support those of you struggling with moving through vaginismus through a purely physical approach of exercise and dilating. Those are the things that got me started and moved me across the finish line, but in today’s episode we’re going to discuss one of the biggest hurdles to obstacles I’ve heard from many of you whom I’ve interacted with: I don’t have time.
So let’s dig into this notion of “I don’t have time.”
Common reasons I’ve heard for lack of time include the following:
* I work multiple jobs, or I’m in school and I work
* My job requires me to start early and/or stay late
* I have responsibilities outside of work or school that take up a lot of my time
* I have a long commute from work or school that takes up the beginning and end of my day
* By the time I’ve finished my responsibilities for the day, I’m exhausted and I have no energy (I want to call out that lack of energy is not lack of time, but the two are often interwoven and I’m not sure I can speak to one without the other, so we’ll also veer into that here.)
On the surface, these seem reasonable and common, especially if you’ve been raised in Western culture, where we’re told to hustle. We glorify busy-ness. There’s an idea that if I’m not “doing” something or being “useful” in some way, that I’m not interesting or worthy or earning my keep. On top of that, many women are raised with a notion that our time should be spent serving others and not ourselves. If I’m not serving someone outside myself, I am wasting my time or I am using my time selfishly. There’s also an echo of not-enoughness or unworthiness interlaced with time, like perhaps we aren’t worthy of enjoyment or feeling good, so we must fill our time with things that require effort. That leads to another idea of hard work— that we must spend our time working hard to achieve whatever it is we want to achieve. When I hear the phrase hard work, I associate that with spending my time working with this energy of friction, complication, and stress. Like if I’m not feeling friction or feeling stressed I’m not spending my time on something worthwhile. Time is also like a currency. I’m using my time to pay for something I want— that could be success at work, it could be community stature, it could be some kind of proof that I’m a good person and therefore worthy of love or, in many religions that have a basis in the concept of original sin, worthy of getting into heaven. So I have to use my time to overcome how “bad” I am. Like I was born in debt.
I want you to take a moment to reflect on if anything I just shared feels relevant for you, then think of examples of how that has shown up in your life, how it has served you, and if you’ve ever actually achieved what you set out to achieve by spending your time in this way. By this way, I mean feeling strained and stressed and like you’re exchanging this strain and stress for something. And maybe you have.
Next I’d like for you to think of some of the most wonderful things in life you have received. The things that made you feel warm, fuzzy, proud, accomplished, and/or loved. They could be gifts, recognition, or anything else that feels really good to receive. How much time and hard work (as in stress or strain) did you put into those? And if you did put a lot of time into something that you feel proud of or like you really accomplished something, I want you to look at the quality of that time. Did it feel hard and full of friction and stress and pain? Or was it full of curiosity? Did you enjoy the process? My hypothesis is that if you pushed yourself through a painful situation, even if you were rewarded at the end, it probably didn’t feel that good. But if you reached some sort of end point after spending time feeling curious, focused, and in flow, you might not even need recognition to feel good about that time spent.
I bring up this concept of flow because when we are in that state, which is a state of seemingly effortless action, our perception of time is altered. It’s what we mean when we say “time flies” — we’re unaware that time exists. When we are in this state, we increase our productivity, performance, creativity, and problem solving abilities. And because of all those things, we tend to have a greater sense of satisfaction and enjoyment. The quality of our time has improved. If we can be more efficient with how we’re spending our time, we can create more of it.
Now, I know some of you are thinking, but Missi, I work hourly, or my boss or coworkers expect me to be at work for a certain number of hours, or my other responsibilities require me to be physically present for blocks of time, and all this talk about quality of time and efficiency doesn’t mean anything. Or I love the work that I do; I find it important and valuable and it fills my cup and I can’t imagine doing less of it. On one level, all those things can be very true. And if that is your situation, I’m here to deliver hard news— if you truly don’t have time, you won’t do the things you need to do to support yourself and make change, and if you don’t do those things, you’ll be exactly where you are until or unless you create time. So, from my limited perspective, you have three choices—
1. You can decide to stay where you are, feeling frustrated or stuck, or disempowered about your vaginismus, acting like you aren’t in control of your life, and a year from now, you’ll still be here.
2. You can decide to stay where you are, acknowledging that it is your choice to do so and that you are actively deprioritizing self care, but in that acknowledgement, hopefully feeling a sense of resolve and empowerment
3. You remember that while vaginismus is not your fault, it is your responsibility, and you are the only one who is going to take care of it. If not you, no one. And in order to be responsible for this thing, you decide to explore what it would look like to create a schedule that aids your ability to care for it.
So just for fun, let’s assume you choose door number three. What if we started small, because dramatic sweeping changes tend to shock our nervous system and can sometimes do more harm than good. So what if we looked at little ways to incorporate more nurturing habits throughout our days. Tiny tidbits of time. This is where habit stacking can come in. What if we took 10 deep breaths into our lower backs on our commute into work? That’s something that can easily be done while driving or riding public transportation, or before getting out of the car and walking into an office, or even right when you sit down at your desk or take your station or wherever it is that you work. What if we repeated that after lunch, or when we went to the bathroom? 5 deep breaths after we wipe?
What if, after we get into a habit of regularly breathing, we sneak in some exercises right when we wake up, or right before bed? 10 leg lifts, leg circles, and reverse clam shells on each side will take you less than 5 minutes. And you’re already laying down. Or what if we did that while watching a show or scrolling Instagram or TikTok? Because I know you are not too busy to have stopped social media.
And then maybe, someday, it doesn’t have to be today, you look at your 9, 10, 12, 14 hour day and think, what if I worked one less hour a week? Just one. Is the money I’m gaining in that hour worth the personal cost? Would I get fired? I could be very wrong, I don’t know what you do, but I’m guessing the answer is no. Or maybe we could get really honest with ourselves and wonder, is that one hour really about financial benefits or job stability? Or is it something different? Do I think that my colleagues would look down on me if I left one hour earlier, one day a week? What kind of social ramifications would I experience if I worked one less hour one day a week? Is that one hour a week going to be the thing to pay off the debt of my sin so I can be worthy or love or eternity? Or am I afraid of spending one hour with just myself? Why? And once we know the answers to those questions, I can apply it to even more time. 2 hours a week. 1 hour a day.
I can also start to examine the quality of that time, even if I feel fulfilled by the way I spend my time, what is the harm in doing one less hour of work? What is that one hour costing me? Because there is a cost.
Alright. Some potentially big hard lessons there, but important ones.
If you are loving this work and you just cannot wait for more, you can visit yogaforvaginismus.com, where you can sign up for the free Vaginismus Starter Kit, or the monthly Y4V membership which includes Yoga for Vaginismus, a library of asana, movement, and breathwork practices designed to support people with vaginismus; Divine Dilating, a series of what I call Power Practices, which are guided meditations to use while dilating, and lastly, VagQuest, the course, which is where the bulk of this type of work resides! I’m also looking into reopening group or 1:1 coaching, so if that interests you, please reach out on Instagram @yogaforvaginismus or via my website.
Until next time, take deep breaths into your lower rib cage and lower back, and wiggle out anything you’re holding onto from your day, and I’ll see you on the other side of vaginismus. Peace.
